My birth story

On the night of ****** 7th I noticed a severe decrease in movement i tried all the tricks to get her to move and nothing. At the hospital they hooked me up to the monitors and after about 3 hours they said any time I laid on my left side my babies heart rate dropped and wouldn't recover unless I rolled back over. They sent me home and told me to avoid my left side.. great advice. About 4 hours after I got home contractions woke me from a dead sleep and were every 3 minutes. My husband works out of town so I jumped in the car and drove myself back to the hospital. I was finally admitted I labored for 10 hours without any medications having back labour as she was sunny side up and the doctor came in and said she was going to break my water. Suddenly she said this isn't good there was meconium in the water. Fast forward another 9 hours and I was finally ready to push in total I pushed for 3 hours in the report it stated after 45 minutes of no progress the nurse decided to get the doctor. Once the doctor entered the room my baby was born 3 minutes later. My poor sweet little girl had the cord wrapped around her neck twice so tight the doctor cut it from her neck but she also had shoulder dystocia one second I thought everything was going well then I was told to stop pushing the doctor told my mom to push the button on the wall that calls for help but the button wasn't working next thing I know a nurse is screaming into the hallway and the room was filled with 20+ people. My epidural didn't work and the doctor looked me in the eye and said she was sorry for what she was about to do. She reached her hands inside me and tore my baby out. She was born black not breathing and without a pulse after resuscitation she was taken to nicu. I will be forever grateful that they saved her life. After that I hemorrhaged and had significant vaginal wall tearing from her hands being forced inside. She apologized once more and reached into me again and removed the placenta with her hands I was never informed of why these things were happening and even though I kept asking nobody would tell me anything after the repairs were done the doctor was gone and I never seen her again. They wouldn't remove my catheter and I wasn't allowed to see my baby for 12 hours. And still nobody could tell me why. I feel humiliated and robbed of the skin to skin time and bonding. They also fed my baby formula multiple bottles before i had ever even met her. At my 6 week check up I saw my OB who unfortunately didn't deliver my baby but she has sent my case off for a review with a medical board. I'm lost and confused why would they send me home when my baby was showing signs of distress why did all these things happen to me? I've tried to get into talk to a therapist but the wait lists are long and I'm not sure how to cope anymore. I have nightmares, flash backs , gaps in my memory the list goes on. Is there anything you can suggest in the mean time?


I was one and a half weeks overdue; at my appointment my OB said that I was 2 cm dilated, and that my blood pressure was elevated.  As I was scheduled that week for an induction, she recommended I just stay and be induced.  I agreed, and went down to labour and delivery to be admitted.
First, the OB on call said he would 'check me'; instead he did a very painful membrane sweep without explaining what he was doing.  An hour later he came back to start the induction.  While breaking my water he took a very long time, caused me a lot of pain, and made an inappropriate sexual comment and laughed at me.  Shortly after this I started on Pitocin.  After labouring for a few hours I had my epidural started as I was in a lot of pain.  The epidural was wonderful!  At 11:30 the OB checked me again, and angrily told me I was only at 4 cm, was not progressing and would likely need a C-section.  I never saw him again.
I continued in labour throughout the night.  My husband fell asleep for 6 hours and I lay there alone.  At one point the fetal monitor stopped worked and the nurse ran out of the room; I thought my baby was dead.  I screamed but my husband didn't wake up.  The nurse never came back; she must have been running off for some other reason.  The nurses came and went from my room, discussing with each other that I was stalled and would get a C-section soon.  They never spoke to me. 
At seven am I started experiencing pain; the nurses were called over.  In 10 minutes I went from completely pain free to sobbing in agony, unable to speak.  The nurses just stood there; they never touched me, and didn't even look at my epidural.  They said they didn't understand what happened, a change in position must have caused the epidural to fail.  A new nurse showed up and asked when I had last been checked; it had been over seven hours.  I was 10 cm dilated.  She immediately said I had to start pushing.  The nurses and my husband forcibly pinned my on my back and held my legs; I tried to fight them off but couldn't.  I could not cope with the pain, did not understand why no one was fixing the epidural, and thought I couldn't be ready deliver as everyone said I was stalled and was about the have a C-section.  I disassociated; I could feel everything, hear what people were saying, but could not speak and could not respond.  There were periods where I was catatonic.  They forced me to push for over an hour.  The nurse yelled at me and insulted me.  She repeatedly shoved her hand in me so I could 'feel' how to push.  I wanted to die.
A new OB showed up after the baby's head had been stuck halfway out for about 15 minutes.  Without warning he shoved both hands in me, ripping me and pulling on the baby.  He tried to do some type of local block, but it did nothing.  When she finally came out and they placed her on my chest, I was so disoriented that I didn't even understand that the thing on me was my baby.  I felt nothing but pain and fear.  Then only 5 minutes later the OB manually ripped the placenta out of me.  After this I hemorrhaged; whatever they did to stop it was so painful I passed out.  Then the OB intentionally sutured my three tears with no freezing as I lay sobbing and flinching. 
When it was all done, no one explained why things happened that way.  No one asked me if I was ok.  The delivery nurse came back and forced me to try and breastfeed for over an hour.  I repeatedly screamed that she was hurting me, asked to stop, even tried to shove both her and the baby away but was too weak.  My husband just sat there watching. 
If I knew that this sort of thing could happen I never would have gotten pregnant.  I resent my baby and wish I never had her; she reminds me of what was done to me.  I have PTSD.  My hip was dislocated and staff never noticed; I am still experiencing problems because of it.  I have a lot of internal scar tissue, and there were internal tears that were not detected or repaired.  I have several types of prolapse.  Sex is either painful or devoid of feeling.  I feel like I died in that hospital bed; I'm just a broken husk of who I used to be.



“There, there, that’s normal. It won’t last forever.”

I heard that a lot. But none of it was normal. I had no reference markers in my life that could have prepared me for my experience and that is something I’m grateful for. It’s not normal to have hands up your vagina. It’s not normal to suffer like that. It’s not normal to have your genitals ripped apart. It’s not normal to feel so exposed and vulnerable. It’s not normal to go so long without sleep or food or water. It’s not normal to have needles , electrodes and tubes stuck up orifices and into your veins. It’s not normal to have a bowel movement in front of people. It’s not normal to be unable to get rid of urine without a catheter because you hurt so much and the swelling is so bad. It’s not normal to see that much blood and know that it’s yours. It’s not normal for your breasts to hurt and leak and your nipples to crack and bleed. What kind of demented person would say that any of that is normal?

It’s not normal to be denied effective pain relief. It is inhumane to do this. First it was too early. Then the anesthesiologist was gone for “coffee”. Then it was too late. “Here use this” and they gave me gas and air. There is a reason it is considered a ‘mild, dissociative analgesia’. It doesn’t work and it messes with your mind. I actually believed them when they said breathing techniques would relieve pain. How stupid am I.

I had to ask and then beg for pain relief during the post partum period. “You only have first and second degree tears”, they said. “You don’t even have that many stitches.” “Other women have it much worse and they don’t complain”. The inside of my vagina was torn. So was the area around my clitoris and urethra. Sitting hurt. Walking hurt. My sutures became infected. I still have problems and it has been one year. I was given ice packs. My Mom brought me pain relievers to alternate between so I could help myself. I didn’t tell them. Thank goodness I had my cell phone to contact her.


I really related to the ‘There, There that’s normal lady.” I don’t think she went far enough. Here are some things that happened to me that I was told were normal. Women should know about this. Let them decide how normal they think this is.
• Violent, uncontrollable shaking after delivery. I was told not to call them convulsions because that was such a negative term. They gave me a blanket and acted like they were hard done by to do that.
• Fainting. I did it once on the delivery table and twice during my hospital stay.
• Hyperventilating
• Vomiting
• Being so weak you can’t walk without assistance
• Being unable to urinate or control basic functions like urination
• Having the whites of your eyes bright red for weeks because the exertion of pushing broke blood vessels
• Feeling like your body is ripping in two
• Feeling like your insides are going to fall through your vagina
• Being unable to sleep because you are so frightened someone else is going to hurt you
• Spending days in a sitz bath or shower
• Giving up and begging to die. Everybody does this I was assured.


I had a 'spontaneous, uncomplicated' vaginal delivery.  That is their term, not mine.  I want other women to know what that means.  I was in labour for 27 hours.  I was fortunate enough to get an epidural promptly when I asked for it without guilt or coercion to 'go without' by medical staff.  I was so exhausted I wanted to get some sleep but the pain was still too much to sleep through and people kept walking in on me.  I hated the vaginal exams.  Most of the staff was courteous and did their best to respect my privacy and dignity.  There were some that didn't care.  I spent 1 hour pushing until my baby was born.  It took another half hour to deliver the placenta.  The delivery room looked like a war zone.  There was blood everywhere.  My baby was kind of bluish and covered with my blood.  After they finished with her I spent some time with her and my husband before they left and I had the damage done to my genital tract repaired.  They topped up my epidural.  I was in the operating room with my legs in stirrups for an hour.  It was disheartening, humiliating and lonely.  The other women in my prenatal class all had to be surgically repaired as well.  I wanted to be with my baby so badly but only my husband had that ability.  He was on the phone telling people what we had and telling everyone I was 'fine' but he was in rough shape.  HaHa. What a dismissive jerk.  I wasn't denied pain relief during or after surgery but the morphine they gave me did make me feel very stoned.  Every time I urinated was torture.  I was told to sit in a sitz bath to pee as this was supposed to help.  They actually said that as if they believed it.  The first few bowel movements I had were painful.  On top of all that I had hemorrhoids.  It took a long time for them to subside.  Two days after giving birth I developed a urinary tract infection.  These are very common.  I hurt down there for several months.  During my 6 week check up my doctor told me I was healing nicely and sex should be O.K. to try.  I had some reservations but my husband was eager.  Big mistake.  I tore open again and ended up with a very painful infection.

I used to laugh a lot but I'm afraid to now.  Every time I laugh I leak urine and pass gas.  Same thing happens when I sneeze or cough or exercise.  I used to run but I can only do that now if I wear absorbent pads.  I just don't bother running.  I'm supposed to do Kegel exercises and I try many of them every day but there isn't any improvement.  The doctor told me my pelvic floor was too overstretched to go back into shape and that I suffered partial nerve damage to the pudendal nerves that control the muscles of the pelvic floor.  Muscles don't work if there isn't nerves to innervate them.  This is normal with a vaginal delivery and I would just have to adjust to this 'new normal'.

Women are judged on their appearance and I feel such societal pressure to be a 'yummy mummy' but I can't measure up.  I can't lose my pregnancy weight, my abdomen is covered with stretch marks and the skin is flabby, and I now have varicose veins.  My baby is my life and I'm so glad I have her.  I love her so much but I want women to know what childbirth is really like and what can happen to you. 


I had a midwife/ hospital delivery for my first child, laboured for 24 hours, pushed for 3 hours. I asked my midwife for help after about 2 hours of pushing (I was delirious and exhausted at this point) with forceps or any kind of help and she refused saying I could do it myself. My epidural had long run out and she would not give me any pain relief. I did rip but I don't know the extent of the tear. When I asked, my midwife shrugged and said she wasn't sure how many stitches she had to put in. I still wasn't healed by my 6 week check up. By the time my daughter was born I felt sick, exhausted, ripped-open, nauseous. I didn't even want to hold her and I felt like a failure, like I should have been able to do it faster, better. I couldn't stop thinking about the delivery and felt detached from my child for months. I just want a completely different birth experience. I don't want to start off again feeling like a failure.


I had a sphincteroplasty, levatorplasty, and perinealplasty on Thursday January 18th. I was in the hospital for 6 days. I had issues with a very low blood pressure, and since my surgery was so extensive, the doctors kept me a little longer. I was on a morphine drip at the hospital for pain, and other pain meds, so it was tolerable, although it sure did hurt! I am still on a liquid diet, and had my required first bowel movement today. ( I had to take milk of mag to induce a bm today) I was terrified to say the least, but the anticipation was worse than the actual event. It did hurt, but I managed to get through it. It was very soft and my nerves are a little more settled now that it is over. I am taking benefiber 1 tsp twice daily now. My doctor doesn't want me to take stool softeners, although I am not sure I agree with him. My rear-end is nearly un-recognizable at this time. It does not even closely resemble what it did before surgery. My surgeon is very pleased with how everything went, and says I should be much better, and that I really needed the surgery. It was much more extensive than even he thought it would be. I have a ton of stitches, and am taking the sitz baths 3-4 times a day to keep clean. If anyone has any suggestions about the stool softeners and anything else during this tough recovery period -I would love to hear from you. I am pretty much still on restricted bed rest (no stairs, no lifting, small walks, no sitting and lots of rest) I am trying to stay down as much as possible because I do not want any complications. Thank you for all your help in advance



My name is *****. I am 27 and have a 15 month old son. When I gave birth to my son I had 4th degree tearing because my son's head came out but he got stuck and the doctor just went up and grabbed him out. I first found out I had a problem when I couldn't control my first BM after childbirth. I had a scheduled visit with the OB a week later and when I told him he acted as if this was unheard of. Having never been told the severity of my tearing I had to do much research online to confirm this was not normal. Things have gotten a lot better since childbirth and I only have leakage now after BM. I have been a single mother since my son was born so this has been extremely hard for me to deal with both emotionally and physically.
I have seen a colorectal surgeon and had many tests done. I was told I need sphincteroplasty.
I have a defect anteriorly. My external anal squeeze pressure is extremely abnormal. I have a 24mm in diameter defect in the internal sphincter with a larger defect with the external sphincter. My rectal wall only measures 6mm thick.
Due to insurance reasons I am scheduled for a consultation with another surgeon on January 10 and plan to schedule my surgery for March.

I have read a few posts about bonding issues with one's child. I honestly thought I was alone with feeling like this. I too have at times had a hard time bonding with my son at the beginning. I had alot of guilt about it because I was the only parent there for him yet I was so devastated and almost regretted giving birth. I wasn't able to hold him for a couple months because I couldn't sit (I also broke my tailbone during labor). This has been an emotional roller coaster ride and I just pray that things will get better after I have surgery. The first surgeon I went to told me that if I get the surgery I would not be able to give birth vaginally ever again because the same thing would happen. I have come to terms with this and am definitely taking the advice.

I have been reading all the advice everyone has given and although I am scared to get the surgery I feel this board has encouraged me to make the right decision and that there is hope of feeling "normal" again.

I'm a newbie to the thread, but have been reading for a couple months now. I guess I'll start by telling how I ended up here.... In July 2008, I gave birth to a beautiful, very "healthy" boy. My son weighed in at 8lb 10oz.....with very broad shoulders. So good ol mommy here got a 4th degree extension of my episiotomy. For the first week things were ok. During week 2 post partum, I developed a bad uterine infection as a result of tearing into my rectum. I got over that and was ok, or so i thought... Within the first month I started experiencing anal leakage. By three months out, I talked to my ob/gyn about it and she told me it was too early to do anything yet, to adjust my fiber in my diet and wait a little longer. At 6 months out, I had had enough. I couldn't go to the mall and walk around without having leakage, I was having accidents every other week if not more often. I saw a specialist in february (7 months out). She has recommended a sphincteroplasty but had me wait to come back to see her again after trying kegals and diet modification and fiber supplementing.....2 months later that isn't really working at all. In fact things have gotten worse. I go back to the dr april 23 to discuss where we go from here. I have a lot of questions for her naturally. I am planning on proceeding with the surgery in June (have to wait for sick pay at work). She told me i could expect 3-4 days in the hospital, 4weeks off work, and "to seriously think about my childbearing plans as the pressure from carrying another baby can cause damage to the repair even if it is a scheduled c-section". That's all she has said so far. Now mind you, I am an OB nurse, so I know I can have a c-section in the future if we decide to have another baby. So that's my story of how I ended up here.

birth stories; emergency cesarean;  operative assisted vaginal; pregnanc